Saturday, June 12, 2010

My Not Favorite Day: June 12

Mom and Me - February 2007

Time heals all wounds. Time is a healer. This too shall pass. It is true. Time passes - does it heal our wounds after loss? No.

I will say that the more time that passes, the more I do find I have more good days, than bad when it comes to grieving over the loss of my Mom. I know not to expect her to be the one calling on the phone. I can (usually) talk about her without crying. I can continue to wear her clothes, but they no longer carry her scent.

Part of what is behind these popular sayings is true. It has gotten easier in terms of not crying every day about her death as I did in those early days and months after her passing. But, what no one really told me was the pain never completely eases up. When I do have a stabbing pain of grief or a fleeting memory, it hurts the same as the day she died - it just doesn't happen as often. It is a literal pain in my chest, I feel the inside of my nose burn and my eyes fill up.

The other day Bill and I were in the car and out of the blue I said, "I am so sad for our little girl sometimes. Do you know how spoiled she would have been by my Mom? I am so sad she will never know her." Bill just said, "I know. Your Mom would have been so happy to have a grandson and now a granddaughter. In terms of being spoiled, it's OK. We'll just have to spoil her extra. And she has so many who will love her."

When I first found out I was pregnant, I literally dreamed of my Mom every night that first two weeks. Every single night. They weren't sad or scary dreams - we just spent time together. My morning sickness was just kicking into gear, but it was a great time for me too. I had this little life beginning inside of me and my Mom was coming to visit to be with us - I was very sure of that.

Similarly, when I found out I was having a girl, I couldn't help, but think immediately of my Mom. I admit, I can get jealous and/or feel sad when people talk about their times with their Moms. I am so happy for them, but it hurts too. I can't have my Mom back, but to gain a daughter is such a wonderful gift. I am thankful and hope I can be half as strong of a Mama as my Mom was to me.

When folks hear we are having a girl, they often say, "I bet you're excited, because you're such a girly-girl." I just laugh because as I previously shared, I really thought I was having a boy. I could even picture him. A juicy little baby with big, pinchable cheeks, olive skin, brown hair and long lashes. I haven't been able to picture our little girl in my mind. I have no guesses on what she'll look like. But, the fact that I'm having a baby girl and I get a piece of my Mom in her - how can I not be excited about that?

Back to today. June 12. The day my Mom took her last breaths three years ago today at 2:45 p.m. with my Dad and I at her side. Her life carries on in this little one kicking in my belly. Mama, thank you for watching out for your granddaughter. She has the most special guardian angel ever looking out for her. How lucky is she?

Baby D may not have a set first name, but we can tell you her middle name will be after my Mom. Mom was Katherine Lee and Baby D's middle name will either be "Lee" or "Kaylee" after Mom.

Mom, I love and miss you. See you in my dreams.

For more information on Mom's story - visit her blog at


Anonymous said...

I love you Courtney!!!!!!!!!!

Your mom is with you today and always. Both of us know that she is proud of you beyond measure and you know that she prepared you well to be an amazing mother. Celebrate your mom today for all the gifts that she gave you to!!!!!!

Stephanie said...

You are SO right, Courtney.. time just dulls it I guess, but it certainly does not make it easier, does it?

I didn't know her, but your mom seems like she was something pretty special. How wonderfully blessed you were, and still are, to have had her for your mom! And your little girl WILL know your mom... maybe not it the way you had hoped, but your mom is a part of you. Baby D will know her thru you and the memories that you share. No, its not the same.. but it will be very real and special to your daughter. Trust me!

Thinking of you and sending a hug your way!!


The Norris Clan said...

Praying for you today, Courtney.

Anonymous said...


I just read your Jahjong post for today. I love how much you share of yourself and am grateful to be your friend.

I know this is a hard day but I can tell your Mom’s strength is with and in you. You are awesome! What a great Mom you will be!

If you are taking votes for the middle – I really like Kaylee!

Love ya,


Jen said...

My not so favourite day is August 14 - I know EXACTLY where you're coming from in this post.

Your little girl does have the most special guardian angel in your mom.

Before she died, my mom told me that she'd always look out for me and help me if she could. There have been several instances where I've sensed this myself, in particular when my first son was just born and the nurses rushed him off to that little incubator thing at the side of the room to check him, clean him....and stimulate him, because he wasn't breathing. To us, it seemed like an eternity (it was probably only a few seconds, though)....and then he took a deep breath and cried (the most WONDERFUL sound!). And then, when I was 41 weeks pregnant with my second son and an ultrasound my OB ordered to check on how he was doing was "concerning" (he was breathing, but not moving very much), they admitted me to the hospital and induced me......and he was born perfectly healthy - wailing a strong, healthy cry as soon as he was born, in fact! In both cases, I was so frightened for my babies....and they ended up being fine - and I'm sure that my mom was right there the whole time.

When I get sad about my mom not being here and jealous of others who have their moms there to spend time with their kids and get to know them, I just think that, for all of the things she can't do by not being here physically anymore, there is so much that she CAN and DOES do, from up there.

Happy third trimester - you're getting close now!



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