Time heals all wounds. Time is a healer. This too shall pass. It is true. Time passes - does it heal our wounds after loss? No.
I will say that the more time that passes, the more I do find I have more good days, than bad when it comes to grieving over the loss of my Mom. I know not to expect her to be the one calling on the phone. I can (usually) talk about her without crying. I can continue to wear her clothes, but they no longer carry her scent.
Part of what is behind these popular sayings is true. It has gotten easier in terms of not crying every day about her death as I did in those early days and months after her passing. But, what no one really told me was the pain never completely eases up. When I do have a stabbing pain of grief or a fleeting memory, it hurts the same as the day she died - it just doesn't happen as often. It is a literal pain in my chest, I feel the inside of my nose burn and my eyes fill up.
The other day Bill and I were in the car and out of the blue I said, "I am so sad for our little girl sometimes. Do you know how spoiled she would have been by my Mom? I am so sad she will never know her." Bill just said, "I know. Your Mom would have been so happy to have a grandson and now a granddaughter. In terms of being spoiled, it's OK. We'll just have to spoil her extra. And she has so many who will love her."
When I first found out I was pregnant, I literally dreamed of my Mom every night that first two weeks. Every single night. They weren't sad or scary dreams - we just spent time together. My morning sickness was just kicking into gear, but it was a great time for me too. I had this little life beginning inside of me and my Mom was coming to visit to be with us - I was very sure of that.
Similarly, when I found out I was having a girl, I couldn't help, but think immediately of my Mom. I admit, I can get jealous and/or feel sad when people talk about their times with their Moms. I am so happy for them, but it hurts too. I can't have my Mom back, but to gain a daughter is such a wonderful gift. I am thankful and hope I can be half as strong of a Mama as my Mom was to me.
When folks hear we are having a girl, they often say, "I bet you're excited, because you're such a girly-girl." I just laugh because as I previously shared, I really thought I was having a boy. I could even picture him. A juicy little baby with big, pinchable cheeks, olive skin, brown hair and long lashes. I haven't been able to picture our little girl in my mind. I have no guesses on what she'll look like. But, the fact that I'm having a baby girl and I get a piece of my Mom in her - how can I not be excited about that?
Back to today. June 12. The day my Mom took her last breaths three years ago today at 2:45 p.m. with my Dad and I at her side. Her life carries on in this little one kicking in my belly. Mama, thank you for watching out for your granddaughter. She has the most special guardian angel ever looking out for her. How lucky is she?
Baby D may not have a set first name, but we can tell you her middle name will be after my Mom. Mom was Katherine Lee and Baby D's middle name will either be "Lee" or "Kaylee" after Mom.